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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 23, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. my guest robin roberts. as always before the show i'm scribbling the phrase n.i.h. n.i.h.dniho for no reason. there's not much in the world i
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truly love besides my family, my country, my collection of antique ceramic cats. hello morris. but above all my heart belongs to my belied. [cheers and applause] so when i tuned into his program last night, like i do every night -- [laughter] -- it was kind of a good news, bad news situation. >> tonight i'm taking on the ever so funny jon stewart of the "the daily show". stuart and his -- stewarts and his friends at comedy central they are the cheeft apologists for the obama administration. i can't expect a comedic hack and his army of writers, i can't take them too seriously. >> jon: o my god, o oh, my
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god. just wait. just wait. sean hannity knows my name. [ laughter ] i'll be honest with you, the hack thing hurts a little, but the wound is heeled by the -- healed by the ointment of your attention. [laughter] sean there, well, he was upset that on monday i may have mentioned that he was being hypocritical in defending the nevada rancher and militant federal grazing fee not payer cliven bundy. i am sympathetic to critics of eminent domain and those who feel that obama's jack booted thugs should never have signed those federal grazing fees indefinitely. did i say obama? i meant ronald reagan. [laughter] that's besides the the point. of course, according to hannity his support of cliven isn't even about rule of law.
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>> can i make my position more clear to mr. stewart? i stand for proportionality. i thought there was a lack of proportionality here. >> jon: it's proportionality, portion control. the government is overreacting which they tend to do when they attempt to collect money and the ower might have mentioned he has weapons and is vowing to do whatever it takes with his wife adding that she has a loaded shotgun and is ready to do what we have to do. i'm sure the government f they tried one more time sent a couple more guys up there with a swiss army knife and one of those credit card swipers, i'm sure we could settle this reasonably. because sean hannity is for proportionality when dealing with dissent. like when a police officer generally seasoned at uc davis. >> it's a lot of pepper spray.
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>> it was a lot. >> did they cross the line? i don't think so. [audience boos] >> jon: no, that was proportional. in fact, they couldn't have crossed the line because i didn't even see a line because my (bleep) eyes were burning because i had just had a pepper spray shower. [cheers and applause] so that -- that is a responsible exercise of authority. i mean those people were clearly there. [ laughter ] which i believe is provocation enough. they were in possession of butts with intent to sit. so that was entirely aappropriately. by the way, trademark phrase. [ laughter ] what about stop and frisk is in
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the random search and seizure based purely on appearance? is that proportional or authority overreach. >> officials cited the police tactic as being instrument in reducing crime in the big apple. murder rates, crime went down. >> just to say someone is suspicious because they are black and brown. that's not fire. >> can't tie the hands of law enforcement. >> jon: sean hannity will not allow the law enforcement officers to have their hands tied when they need them to frisk the brown people. [laughter] brown cows, on the other hand -- [laughter] have certain constitutional rights. but anyway that's when (bleep) got weird. >> you may remember that jon stewart had to rally to restore sanity. he invited all of his friends to attend including this singer. remember cat stevens. he changed his name to yusuf islam. there's one problem with
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inviting him to a rally calling for sanity that's the same yusuf islam for inciting a fatwa for trying to kill salman rushdie. >> jon: i wanted him to play peace train and end it with love train. it was a good bit. [ laughter ] had one small flaw -- the fatwa guy, but you would be surprised how few nonfatwa musicians have done train based songs and were available that weekend. but correct, correct mr. hannity, mistake. i should have looked into it. it should have known better, i'm just not sure you are the best guy to make the guilt by musician association point. >> he's a piece of (bleep).
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worthless (bleep). >> that was friend and frequent guest on the program ted nugent. [cheers and applause] [laughter] >> jon: now believe it or not, i didn't know about the cat stevens fatwa thing when we booked him but you went from a tape of ted nugent saying that to that was friend of show ted nugent. i will say this for all the hypocritical nonfactual core rosive, hackie, awful word terds that you speak -- [laughter] -- you did get one thing right. >> stewart went into his tape arsenal that serve as as more proof. begging me to stay in new york, he is kind of obsessed with this program. [cheers and applause] >> jon: yeah!
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[cheers and applause] i am obsessed. i am obsessed with your program. you can say true things. i am obsessed with your program in the same way i'm obsessed obd with antibiotic resistant superbugs or the kfc double down because i just can't believe with in this day and age with all that we know this (bleep) is out there. that humanity -- humanity -- [cheers and applause] -- that our society is still weighed down by these burdens of aseemingly more medieval time, like your show. so see it night after night serving up the same (bleep). my god, you are the arby's of
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news. [cheers and applause] how can i not be obsessed with the arby's of news. arby's the hannity of roast beef sandwiches. [ laughter ] and what is so fascinated is the paradox at the heart of your show, that your purely blind partisan impulses are couched in such lofty principle. everything framed in terms of power of patriotism. the flag pin, you got the backdrops. you got the graphics. the pat rottic ball cozies you sell on your web site and you -- what? they are very inexpensive. they are made in malaysia. yet, you, the uber-american, this man is your cause. >> i don't recognize the united states government as even existing. >> jon: he doesn't recognize
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america's existence. he is u.s.-atheist because the federal government does exist. it was created by those guys and that document you love so, so much. >> the beauty of, i think, the framers and the founders is they put in place this document where they had the ability to right wrongs and correct injustices. >> right. >> the american people really want a return to first principles and constitutional government. >> i love washington because he gave up power. amazing to me when he could have held on to it. >> now there's a founding father who could found the (bleep) out of everyone. >> how do you think he would handle an armed group of federal government rejiksists -- rejectionists. washington with his federal army
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crushed it in 1794, i guess would you say disproportionally. >> a man named daniel shays pulled the same (bleep) in 1786 and 1787. that's him rolling down a hill. the founding fathers called forth. and this makes you an anti-federalist or to be kind let's just say you love the founding fathers but only their early work before they sold out and became the man or men or early work before they sold out and became the man or men or white property own nobody ever stomped their foot and asked for less. because what we all really want... ...is more. there's a reason it's called an "all you can eat" buffet.
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and not a "have just a little buffet". that's the idea behind the more everything plan. it's more of everything you want, for less. because, c'mon. no one ever takes the second biggest cookie. get more with our best plans on the best network. for best results, use verizon.
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expedia, find yours >> jon: welcome back to the show. now -- [cheers and applause] -- we had a little fun the first act but the second act is where where it really gets open. it's not oven we get to dwefl into the minimum -- minutiae of a fiscal year budget -- that's what we're doing. >> stephen: hello, jon. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: stephen colbert, what are you -- oh. what are you doing here? >> stephen: jon, i have some terrible news. you better sit down. >> jon: i'm sitting down. there's hardly never a i'm not sitting down on the show so -- >> stephen: jon, is there a way you could sit more? jon this is going to come as something as a shock to you. >> jon: you are ending your show. >> stephen: jon, please i'm ending my show. i have to, jon. don't beg me to stay. >> jon: all right. >> stephen: you see, there's no mountain left for me to climb. it's become clear to me that i have wonderful television. [cheers and applause] at this point -- [cheers and applause] jon, jon, at this point i'm just running up the score. [ laughter ] >> jon: it's obviously not really a contest. >> stephen: not anymore, jon.
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you see, jon almost nine years ago i promised to change the world, and together i did it. [ laughter ] >> jon: so -- >> stephen: i don't know, jon. i'm a free man now. i'm not sure what -- i'll go wherever the wind takes me. maybe ride the rails. live boxcar to boxcar. learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken. i doesn't sound like much, jon but it's a king's feast to me and my companions. biscuits, the wily mouse that lives in my wee pocket. and anyabell the one eyed prostitute who has a heart of gold. don't you dare call her a whore, jon. >> jon: i wasn't saying anything. i heard david letterman is retiring. stay in television. >> stephen: i heard that, too,
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jon but they gave the part to some fat guy. timing she's a cruel miss stress. >> jon: don't say fat. pair shaped. >> stephen: don't we kind to him, jon. i've seen the photos. >> jon: they are called birthing hips. i wish you and biscuit, is it? >> >> stephen: biscuit jon in the wee pocket. >> jon: and i wish you both and the one eyed woman, i wish you the best of luck. >> stephen: hold back the tears, jon. you'll be fine. >> jon: thanks for coming comin. >> stephen: there's something i would appreciate as a parting gift. you know how someone leaves "the daily show" you put together a highlight reel. jon, you never did one for me. >> stephen: you never left. you went to 11:30. you are right around the corner.
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>> stephen: i probably wasn't that important to me. >> jon: we'll put something together for you, stephen. >> stephen: don't trouble yourself. i already did. you could put parmesan and yeast and pull out a bagette. these are the goatees of freedom. fact becomes irrelevant. night becomes day. chaos reins. taxi! for lo, i win! i win! i win! my father's father was a goat ball licker. to run my fingers through your raven hair to touch your milk white skin. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: jon, i'm really going to miss me. >> jon: godspeed. st
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[cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight she's the coanchor of abc's "good morning america". her new memoir is called everybody's got something. please welcome to the program robin roberts. come on, hello. [cheers and applause] hello! >> jon: well, hello. >> how are you? [cheers and applause] >> jon: thank you so much for being here. >> i'm sorry out of habit i said good morning. i am sorry. >> jon: they did just get up i know these people. close enough to 4:20 that they just got up. >> oh! >> jon: everybody has somebody but -- something but man, not everybody has everything. you really got hit with the whammies of whammies. a breast cancer diagnosis was the first, yes? >> in 2007, yes. i completed treatment in 2008. but the reason i said everybody has something.
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it's true. i got slapped upside the head. the point my mom said, it doesn't matter. everybody has something. my something is no more important or greater than any other challenge that someone else was facing. there was a point where i was looking up to the heavens saying if you want to spread it around a little bit more, that is fine with me. >> jon: parents can deliver this kind of sage vice -- advice and do it in a vacuum. i think they never know if your kids. you seemed to have absorbed the listons it's not what happens to you but the way you deal with it that makes you incredibly proud. >> my parents -- my dad grew up in jersey. yes. >> jon: i'm familiar. >> as a small child he had the nerve to cut off a broom stick handle and went down to the basement and pretended he was
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flying and became a tuskeegee airman. my mother was the first in her family to get a college education. i come from good stock. i'm grateful that some of the life lessons stayed with me. every morning when i enter the studio for "good morning america" i blow a kiss to both of them up there and say good morning to them before i say "good morning america". >> jon: and then when you are done with that do you down to george stephanopoulos. i know he is only -- [laughter] he's like -- he's -- >> i was waiting for that. it took you longer than i thought. [ laughter ] >> jon: that's a terrible thing. i have to get him. let me get him. [laughter] he and i are the same size, by the way. >> the first christmas gift he gave us six inch heels. that's the good sport that he is. >> jon: very nice. were you thinking man, i can't wait to get back up at 3:00 a.m.
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and get to work. [ laughter ] >> not so much. it was nice to have that six month break. but the point of it is when you are going through anything like that, especially, and i was off the air six months. can you imagine not sitting in that chair for six months. [laughter] >> jon: yes. hold on. [laughter] >> come back to us, jon. come back to us. >> jon: i'm standing on a cool mountain and a breeze was going through my hair. [laughter] >> all i wanted was to be normal again. normal for me is getting up at 3:45 and getting in the studio and doing what i do. >> jon: right. did you ever feel like you lost yourself? oh -- >> jon: or do you feel like you physically or emotional you sort of became outside of yourself or something else? >> there was a lot of times because during the -- bone mar row transplant what they do is
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completely take away your immune system because it's dysfunctional and it's going to kill you. theythey have to wipe it out. i was so thankful my sister was a complete match. they pulled it out and put in her hers like a rebirth. i was one point in the hospital and hallucinating. i nurse came in and she said i was interviewing walter cronkite at the foot of my bed. true story. [laughter] yes, i would have to say i was outside of my body for a while. >> jon: as you felt it come back, it's so nice see you. man, your spirit and energy shines through everything. it's lovely to see you doing so well. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: good to see you. robin roberts "everybody's got something." it's on the
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[ male announcer ] you get there. you're a go for landing, over. [ male announcer ] the all new cadillac cts, the 2014 motor trend car of the year. >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm not a r >> stephen: tonight a new benefit for collegiate lets. for one day only, we're putting an i in team. then is america running out of a favorite food? or did we just lose it in our folds. and my guest is kentucky basketball coach john calipari, damn, i had the coach from duke in my bracket. market analysts say that ipad fever is cooling. meanwhile kindle dysentery still runs rampant. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)